O.T. Warning personal rantWhat did I do wrong???

[phillip d]

I really apologize in advance for this,I posted a couple like this and this hopefully will be the last,so don't read it or reply to it if you don't want to have to deal with it.Thank you.
Turns out my significant other of 12 years was only pretending to be someone she isn't so I would like her,little did I realize over 2 years of dating.Got married and have 2 beautiful children,and we(i and kids) go to church regualrly and are active in the church community.Well,now she isn't going to pretend to be someone she isn't anymore.Turns out she hates anything house work related,socializing,cows,anything farm related in general,and things married people do after dark,no matter what the quality.She is also a firm beliver in paranormal and ghost hunts regualrly and doesn't want any flack about it.If I can live with going to functins alone always,being critisized for feeding people,don't mind doing most of the house work,never having friends over or going out with them,not minding her on outings in the dark in weird places and being on the news about,and never having you know aging,things will be wonderful.Or,she can respect that we are different(at least she is lol) and she can move our family that I dearly love to her parents neighbourhood,which is only 1200 miles away.To top it all off,my Dad has been batteling heart proplems for the last 20 years,some really close calls recently,now he has termilan but managable(hopefully) cancer.My question to God is WHY?
Again I am truely sorry for this and will try to never post anything family related again,but have nowhere else to vent,as I can't have friends over and so on.Pd.

 

[Nebraska Cowman]

Phillip. These types of online communities are a place we do make friends. And a man should be able to tell his friends his troubles. Anyone who doesn't want to know can skip over that post.

 

[cj in wisconsin]

I know how you feel, my ex wife had everyone fooled including me. She lived a double life for most of the time we were married, finally caught her one day when I was supposed to be at work , she was leaving the house with a wig and a disguise. Turns out she was a con artist, always working some kind of scam. I almost got arrested because the cops thought I was involved. Got rid of her and havent seen her since, later met the love of my life. Never thought I would get involved again but I'm happy now. Dont blame yourself for what other people do ,if you really are a good person things will work out. Hang in there.

 

[Anonymous-0]

I can certainly empathize with you. As they say " been there done that".

But to answer your question, is she involved in drugs? Maybe recently stepped it up a notch? Meth maybe? Drugs will make people behave in a pretty bizarre manner. They can try to conceal it but eventually it comes out. I don't know if her behavior changed recently but it is something to consider.

Best of luck, don't let her have the kids. They don't need to be screwed up by her radical behavior.

 

[Old Timer in Ohio]

Hey there Phil;
I can relate, but I won't go into details.
If you think it's no-go situation, bail out NOW!!!! Why put time into it, yea I know it's for the kids. BULL you deserve to "have a life"
too, put future time into a GOOD(?)relationship
Bob
God Bless

 

[Anonymous-0]

Deceit has a way of tearing a person apart. It can cause a lot of anguish and pain. It can come from a stranger , a loved one, a spouse, and even a child. It also can make a person distrust anyone and everyone around them. The solution is in what a person does to overcome the pain and suffering that has occured.

First, you have two wonderful children so take good care of them.

Second, not everyone is deceitful so learn to trust until they don't deserve.

Third, learn to reach out and help others as it is very good therapy.

This will be painful but you will recover.

 

[Anonymous-0]

Wow! This IS off topic, but you deserve an answer. A person has to take things like this to where ever he"s comfortable.

There"s a zillion answers and 10 zillion more questions that need to be addressed. Not sure if there is any GOOD answers to some of your questions.

Marriage is a crapshoot at best. Especially so when 2 people marry at young ages. Many people aren"t done developing mentally, spiritually, emotionally, or intelectually until they"re way beyond their "adult years". It"s to be expected for some people to change course several times before they start to maintain one direction.

When you"re "young and in love", often times you simply just don"t see the obvious. A person may be a LOT different that you perceive them to be or HOPE them to be. Then we react to each other and make adjustments over time. Your wife may not have been that "perfect match" to begin with and you overlooked some of her "faults". She might have been viewing you in the same manner.

After having 2 daughters to grow up and marry, I"ve learned that it"s not just the women, but men too, that aren"t always what they appear. They change AFTER they get familiar and figure out what they can get away with. Long story short, you aren"t alone. It happens far too often.

As far as your father. That sort of thing happens. Part of life. It"s MUCH better when you have a supportive mate along side of you when you"re dealing with life"s hard times.

I"m always thinking about a line from the TV show M.A.S.H. A Navy pilot that was shot down, and ended up in the MASH hospital, and who THOUGHT he was JESUS told RADAR that "GOD LISTENS to all your prayers. HE just doesn"t always give you the ANSWER you wanted"

Hang in there. Cut your losses when you can and move on. Giving up on life isn"t the answer either. Salvage what you can and try to make the rest of your life as best as it can be.

 

[1936]

Cut your losses NOW with a couple of good lawyers. Just will never change.

 

[John M]

She hates housework, going out and being with friends,cant stand secks, ghoust hunts.......
Sounds more to me like shes found another person to fill her needs, and it aint a man.

She wants out and thats her way of saying to you!

 

[Allan in NE]

Welcome to life. Suck it up.

Allan

 

[Paul from MN]

Phillip, I am a strong believer in doing everything possible to keep your family together. However, if this is 100% of the story, you need to get out. But, before you do that check with a good family law attorney to see what you can do to keep your children from moving 1200 miles away. Ideally you want them with you, it sounds like your wife is mentally unstable.

By good family law attorney, I don't mean someone who is out for $$$ or would try to destroy your wife financially. Check with your priest or minister to see if they can recommend someone who will help you look out for the best interest of your children.

Good luck,
Paul

 

[Jeff-oh]

We'll say a prayer for you buddy. Relationships are hard things when one side does not want to comprimize or be realistic about the responsibilities being an adult and a parent.

I say a prayer for her too. One day she wake up and realize she's the only one responsible for taking care of her.

Take care.

 

[Bob Kerr]

Have had 2 ex"s pull stunts like yours is doing to you. Now have a girlfriend move in the house who once got settled in, sleeps all day and stays awake all night. Goes from hot to cold in a split second, wont leave the house even just to go walk the dog. Friends come over??!! NO WAY she freaks out. She also freaks out if just some friendly person waves as we go down the road asking who that is and how do I know them and grills me for days about it. My second ex used to meet with "class mates from her university" after school and I think she was acually hanging out with one guy from her class she ended up leaving me for (who turned out to be a complete liar and never got divorced from his wife HAHAHA they diserved each other), so if yours is going "Ghost hunting", she may be going to meet up with someone and that is why she doesn"t want "relations" at home and why she refuses to discuss it. I would have her followed and it might make getting the kids in your custody a lot easier. Get a detective to do it so you stay out of any confontation and get yourself in a sling.It will also give you a good witness in court if needed. Good luck to you and hang in there.

 

[Larry59]

My ex was into many things. One is shopping all the time. Sometimes most the day she was gone. She had little interest I me are my kids. Wanted to leave but everyone on my family side. Kept saying for me to stay with her and the good book says this and that! So I stayed for 20 stinking years and it was bad! Thinking of my kid all the time.
One day I left and divorced her. Was the best thing I ever done!!!!!!!!! Meet another lady who was divorced from a drunk and he was. He told me himseld how no good he was to a good woman.
Anyway not long after I had left. My own children said they had wished long ago that I an their mother had seperated. Cause the fighting was to much all the time. But then I found out something new. For many of those years I was with my Ex. She was not only shopping but meeting others for and play. What a fool I was to stay that long with her.
My wife and I now have been married for 29 years. She is a doll in life. I look out for her good and she looks out for me. ... The way I figure is the ole man above said I need a brake and sent Sharon my wife to me. *S "So Leave This One" When you look around you will see that life is really a short term here on earth. Oh much time do you figure you might have left huh! Get going and be happy!

 

[steveormary]

#1 best thing ever happened was when first wife took the kids and left. That was had on me for awhile.

The other #1 best thing was when I met my 2nd wife. We have stuck to each other will be 40 years come Oct.5th 2008.

Ya'll be careful
steveormary

 

[Anonymous-0]

Well...join the club. You are joining in a group of the new generation. Like myself...happily single. All or most of my friends, some of them close to 60 years in age are happily single. I know of 8 people close to me that have got divorces in the past 5 years. We all have our moments, hard times, and sometime need to talk. Dont blame yourself, or blame GOD. Sounds like you are a good Father, good Farmer, and a good person.
And people change, Im not the same person I was 10 years ago.
Happily married? Yes! It happens. My parents have been together for 48 years. They still argue..sometime I wonder how I was ever born, they argue so much. But they stick together.
Funny thing is that my shop and sales lot are next to my parents house. One day I heard some yelling coming from their house. I thought someone was hurt, or somthing terrible happened. I ran up to the house and ran in and found them arguing at the top of their lungs. What was the arguement? The arguement was what was the proper way to unload groceries out of a grocery bag! Unbeleivable!
So hang in there...in your prayers and ours ask God to give you direction on what to do. And your directions will result in his will. DTURKE

 

[Jim H SW-PA]

I was married for 30 years When I found out she was only married for 24, It hurt for awhile but I made nessary changes.Happier now than ever.PS. She wanted to make sure the kids were past 18 before she told me.

 

[rrlund]

Sorry to hear about your luck,but one question. Who's the other guy? I sure hope you have your ducks in a row so she doesn't take EVERYTHING when she goes. I'd be talking to a lawyer. Sounds like you could go see one without her knowing you were gone.

 

[Anonymous-0]

I'm not religious but whether you believe in god or not, the common thing is somethings are just out of our control.

Not to get your hopes up but has she had any counciling/proffesional help? Many of those things you described can be related to mental problems.

My wife went through a deep depression during which she would often declare she hated the house we had just built together, hated our land we had picked out, hated haying, didn't like any of our friends, thought they were judging her, wouldn't go to public places, distrusted my parents, hated her job and was generally miserable day in and out.

It took a long time to convince her to go but several months of concilling and quitting her job has helped her a huge amount and she is attending some school right now and was able to give a talk to about 20 people in a class (believe me that is amazing).

I cut her off from all farm related chores and after a break from them she misses some of them now and wants to participate in a few of them.

She has a long way to go yet but she will get there I hope.

 

[phillip d]

Thank you all for your wonderfull advise and input.It is a shoulder to help through the unknown.I will certainly use most or all of it.Pd.

 

[sbin]

Quietly ask around for references as to the best lawyer to deal with child custody in the court you will attend.Start building a case so you can retain the children.Keep track of your activities with children and her lack of involvement.Documentation means alot in court.A hard working family man that is active in school and community should be treated much better than an irresponsible ghost hunting flake.Definately get copies of tv appearances.
I had a problem with my ex-wife drinking and prescription drugs.She started to enjoy partying with a few other housewives more than caring for children.It cost some money took some time but I was able to keep my children and house.People change thats the way of the world but that doesn"t mean you and the children should suffer because an immature parent wants to live in a fantasy world.

 

[Dick L]

Don't ask God why. He had nothing to do with your situation. You are in control of your own life as well as your wife is in control of hers.
The power is in your speech as in what you say.

Proverbs 18:21 tells us that Death and Life are in the power of the tongue, and they that love it shall eat the fruit.

Sounds like your wife was speaking death to your relationship. That does not mean you also have to.

If you are going to ask God why then dig deep into his word and you will find he has an answer. God will only be in your life and affairs if he is invited to.

Mark 11:24 is a good palce to look as well.
You only need to understand 11:23 thru 26 to see how it works.

 

[rednekelmo]

from experience get the best lawyer around and file first also file for temperary custody trust me and everyone else who has ben through this

 

[Nancy Howell]

Tough situation, Phillip. So sorry. When it comes to a divorce, especially if there are children, there's just no easy answer. James' ex kept us in court all the time until I think she got tired of spending big bucks on attorney fees. I have found that "why" questions generally don't have answers and just muddle up your brain mulling on them over and over, so I quit asking. You're the only one that knows all the details and you're the only one who can decide what is best for you and your family. Think carefully and most importantly, ask God for direction. As you can see from the posts, most everyone, including me and James, have been down the divorce road. Lean on us anytime. Left my email if you want it.

 

[Kestrel in CT]

Phillip, You'll be fine......eventually. We all have our turn in the cooker.

If it was me, I'd get a couple of my zany friends and tell them to dress up in white sheets, and go stand outside your bedroom window and throw pebbles against the house on a moonlit night.

If performed properly, you'd see how deep her convictions lie.

Might even jump start a reconciliation & reality check

 

[Anonymous-0]

Maybe counseling? If it's going to come to an end, might be the best thing. There are some "experts" that claim you shouldn't stay together just for the sake of the kids. Under no circumstances should you or your wife involve or bring the kids into anything. The problems are between you and your wife. Hopefully you could split ammicably? Do not give up custody of the kids. As long as you have at least joint custody, the courts will probably have a stipulation that if one party has the kids the most, they have to live within a reasonable distance to allow the other party their right to see the kids. It would be best if you had full custody but even if you don't, as long as you have joint custody, could keep her from moving 1200 miles away. I know someone who went through a messy divorce. He gave her full custody so it would be easier on the kids. She wasn't supposed to move more than a couple hours away I believe. She moved to another province! He didn't have the best lawyer and she must have had a real good talker because they convinced a judge that she needed to move that far away. Her new boyfriend at the time lived there. He said giving full custody was a big mistake in hindsight. His ex was and still is trying to brainwash the kids and that is totally wrong, no matter who does it. Good Luck. Dave

 

[Anonymous-0]

Got two T shirts (2 EX's). Never had any major arguments but if you pay attention....make that look back you can tell there were problems.

The first divorce was in the 70's and no chance of a man getting the children. In 1990 I got primary care of a two year old, another unheard of ordeal. She had everything in her favor, a 14 yr old daughter, a new home, she was ten years younger than me. Now my point is getting primary care is no accident, you must get your ducks in a row as others have stated. A note book with exact times and dates mean something---"well one day this or that happened"....means nothing to a judge.

Your hardest thing to overcome is she doesn't love you as you do her. That failure to admit its over can and will cost you the farm.

Remember this...when you talk to her friends you love her and tell them you are having problems and do not want her friends to take sides, you just feel bad about the whole thing.......(you are just sad and looking for ideas on how to deal with it. Then shut up and listen and remember to write down what is said there after. If your wife is not a real bowser her lady friends do indeed find her as a threat...They are uncomfortable if she is around their man. When a wife gets a new job, looses weight, new friends, wild life style, starts ignoring the kids. Many times they are in the mood for other guys ....Those words were told to me by a friend...I owe him my life. NEVER mention her friends coming to court--they will never say a word if they susect that. I would take a good guess she has another friend, or looking for a new nest, and she probably will offer bait for her trap. Have a friend check it out for you so you get the real picture. A very hard pill to swallow, but you must take the pill before you can get better. You are not to old to start over, but you probably won't understand that for now any way.

The BEST attorney in the world can not win your case unless you have a list longer than your leg of facts to sort, and confront with---DAM>N IT WRITE IT DOWN. A new phone with caller ID ---hit the redial---or a copy of her cell phone records probably will tell you what you don't realy want to admit. NEVER CONFRONT her with your facts, keep your mouth sht and hide your notes and cover all your tracks. If you tell her your facts her and her attorney can be prepared for a answer in court. Keeping your mouth shut is very hard to do, and I've seen folks crap in their own mouth because they told someone the game plan---trust no one but your attorney till this is over.

In your situation most folks already know the answer to the questions you asked.. IF a friend asked you the same questions????? HOW WOULD YOU ANSWER THEM? I would't want to wear your shoes, or wear your hat for a long time to come. Good luck in making the right decissions.

A good talk with the banker, and credit card Co. with limits to large withdrawals may well be in order if I read mine and others T shirts correct.

Just so you know taping phone conversations, using baby cams, or hidden cameras that are less than $35.00 at Wal-Mart are not legal in alot of states. They are usualy waste high in the video section...but illegal like I said! Baby cams to ---CHECK ON THE CHILDREN BECAUSE YOU SUSPECT FIGHTING, IS LEGAL, and they are very small so the CHILDREN can't find them especialy if THEY (THE KIDS) want no part of housework. Again learn to shut up with what you see the CHILDREN do. This seems unfair to your CHILDREN, but you can not play fair cards with the CHILDREN unless THE CHILDREN are playing fair as the rules of say... marriage.. are assumed. And if the CHILDREN are acting crazy or suspicious.....

 

[Tradititonal Farmer]

Doesn't sound like a Ghost she's been keeping time with.Get a lawyer cause you're gonna need one

 

[sbin]

Very sound advice!
Forgot to mention get control over finances.Cancelled all joint credit cards and moved big cash to secure accounts.
I really wish you well.My experience was painful but not as bad as living with my ex!

 

[Paul Sebek]

Oh yea, better secure your computer if you use it for any business. Last thing you want to do is leave your life/bankbook open for your potential enemy to go through. Just because she may be acting nuts, doesn't mean she is.(very common) Watch yourself and good luck, you may need it.

 

[Anonymous-0]

(quoted from post at 10:12:20 04/11/08) Phillip, You'll be fine......eventually. We all have our turn in the cooker.

If it was me, I'd get a couple of my zany friends and tell them to dress up in white sheets, and go stand outside your bedroom window and throw pebbles against the house on a moonlit night.

If performed properly, you'd see how deep her convictions lie.

Might even jump start a reconciliation & reality check

We must be related...

Phil,
everyone needs a practice wife. You had your turn in the barrel, don't spend the rest of your life over one. The kids will be better off with or without you as long as you and the freak aren't together. Even if you don't have them under your roof, you'll be a better dad. Just my .02.

Take care and good luck,


Dave

 

[davejoe]

This life is not a rehersal, if you arent happy/content then make the changes you know you must. You may not be doing your kids good by staying in an unhealthy situation. Dave

 

[Lanse]

if you dont do something you'll be asking god even louder. My parents divorsed in early 2004. My mom got a carreer and started putting that infront of anything and everything elce. My dad decided he was tired of her ignoring me and him and decided to talk to her about it. Thats apperentally called "Verbal Abuse" or atleast she thought so. She ended up leaving, then dragged me through hell and back, all over the country in the name of her job. So now were temperarily in Soulthwest Ohio, even if its "permenant" (ive heard that one before). My mom is more of a deadbeat then ever, the most selfash and greedy person i have ever met, constant arguing between her and me, but shes gone most hours of the day so its usually kind of calm here.

 

[phillip d]

I am sorry Dick,but I am unable to quite understand yor reference to the passaage so far.It states for me to stand up and pray and forgive anything I have against anyone.I can learn to forgive,but I can't forget and let this go on in our lives.Please add alittle more to the reference If you can make me understand better.pd

 

[Roscoes Kuzin]

Face it Bubba she's preparing walking papers. Catch her in a bind so you can dump her first,this will be in your favor when it's time for the lawyer. It's over dude.

 

[dave guest]

Got to ask you Philip, is your wife on any medication that could be responsible. My wife when we first married was on birth control pills. She was an absolute demon. I could write for an hour and not tell you what trouble she caused. Come to find out she was raped by her grandfather with her mothers permission for 4 years. Long story short, birth control pills gave her a type of cancer besides damaging her brain. I stuck it out and prayed and prayed and prayed some more. After operation when she was in hospital 2 months, no more pills, little counseling she turned into absolute angel and has remained so for the last 38 years by the Grace of God, it can happen to you. Never give up unless there is no other way would be my advice. Or was I lucky?

 

[Anonymous-0]

Sorry to over do this, but if you are like most of us going down the D road your head is not close to being in the game. Tears, sleepless nights, anger, disbelief, a fear of the unknown, money concerns, are going to take on a very new meeting. And the biggest shock of all is what a freakin joke our court system is. Just so you understand this is only normal, and you will get over it in what seems a life time. Nine out of ten victums in your shoes will admit suicide crossed their minds, the rest will lie about other thing as well. NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL

I could care less of your religion, I'm not Cathloic but in our area many many have said Catholic charities have helped them. I'ts called Berieved or something close to that. I have NOT attended but would sure recomend it from what I have heard.

You are going to be a lonesome dude for a while so why not visit folks that have worn your shoes? They will be more than happy to share their advise. You will not have problems finding divorced folks in your area. Never lay so much as a hand or threaten to touch your wife. Keep the kids out of the picture as best you can--they arn't stupid, and are scared to say the least. After she moves out----while you watch over the kids while she gains her freedom of the night life remember to make all conversations in a public place with whitnesses near by. Like a resterant, Mc Dees where the kids can enjoy if age fits in. Doesn't hurt the kids to see mom and dad together for a civil meeting. Many states make you go to divorce conceling---be in the front row if avaliable. By the way kids can sence troubles many times by what is not said so kind of be careful. In your eyes your EX is a good parent, she can lead her life as she pleases, and you think she is very important in your kids life with unlimited visitation that you will incourage her to exercise often. But just that you are a better parent. Gather all pictures WITH YOU interacting with the kids--maybe start taking more to show such interaction. Your wife probably will have lots photos of white sheets that come out late at night to show the judge.
Make all parent teacher / school/ church and other child centered activities.

Invest in interaction with your wifes folks, visit with them and point out it is normal for them to take their daughters side. But you refuse to make them uncomfortable, you will do everything in your power to see that their intrests are important to you. Don't point out any negitive properties your ex has done. They are expecting that big time. Let them understand your biggest concern is the kids.

I will throw this in for the heck of it---usualy does not work out but ask the wife what she wants, and what she thinks you can both do to stay best of friends, avoiding legal fees, and the best times for her to see the kids and still enjoy her new life style as you think you still love her and she will always be your love even after a trial seperation, divorce. She can always come home to you and the kids if her life does not turn out as she expected. You don't want her to move far away because you want to just see her, and you want her to always see the kids, maybe you can help her get on her feet with extra cash.... Yea your tonge may turn black but it has been known to work several times.

 

[Frontranger]

What Allen said.