jokes

[mul-skiner]

Lets try something on the lighter side of life some non offensive jokes.Well here it is what do you get when you cross an elephant with a Rhino? The el if I no

 

[Anonymous-0]

[FROM FARM SHOW MAGAZINE] THIS PREACHER WAS IN THE HOSPITAL AND KNOWING HE WAS ABOUT TO PASS ON DECIDED HE WANTED SOME OF HIS CONGREGATION TO BE WITH HIM,SO HE ASK FOR A BANKER,AND A LAWYER,THEY CAME,ONE STANDING ON EITHER SIDE OF THE BED [PREACHER SMILING,AND HOLDING THEIR HANDS]WHEN THE VISITORS STARTED TO FEEL UNEASY ABOUT HOW SOME OF THE SERMONS MADE THEM FEEL. ONE FINEALLY ASK,WHY THEM? HE AWNSERED [JESUS DIED BETWEEN TWO THEIVES,I DECIDED I WOULD DO THE SAME !!!]

 

[Nancy Howell]

A co-worker sent this to me because I"m blonde. Oh well, what"s one more dumb blonde joke?

WINTER BLONDE
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. After he rolls down the window, she says "Hi, my name is Tiffany, and you are losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
This time the trucker lowers the window. As if they"ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Tiffany, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up and knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window again. Again she says "Hi, my name is Tiffany, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next Light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin. It¢s winter in Michigan and I"m driving the SALT TRUCK!"

 

[Nancy Howell]

Here"s another one that went around the office.


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I"d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says
his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it"s okay,
he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she"ll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There"s a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants
to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
this?"

(you"re gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It"s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man"s a
Rolling Stone."

 

[rexhellwig]

Donald nnalert was in failing health and knew he had little time to get his affairs in order. He gave away everything he had except for $90,000 in cash. Then he calls in his best friends, his doctor, his lawyer, and his television preacher.

Donald says, "Guys, I don't have much time left. They say you can't take it with you, but I'm going to try anyway. Here's what I want all three of you to do. After my graveside ceremony is over with, as they lower me into the ground, I want you to throw these bags into the hole with me." He gives each man a plain paper bag with $30,000 inside. They all shake hands and assure Donald his wishes will be carried out.

A few weeks later, Donald passes away. At the cemetery, the three men drop the bags in and they all ride home together. After a few miles the TV preacher clears his throat and says, "I haven't been completely honest. I gave a poor widow $5000 to fix the roof on her house and only threw in $25,000."

The doctor squirms and says, "Maybe I should confess too. I gave $10,000 to keep a rural clinic open. I only threw in $20,000 of Donald nnalert's money."

The lawyer says, "Gentlemen, I'm ashamed at your dishonesty. Mr. nnalert trusted us to carry out a small matter and you failed him. I can proudly say that I threw in a check for the full amount."

 

[bradk]

Nancy

I laughed my a$$ off!! Goood'n!! ~brad

 

[JHH]

Talk about taking it with you.
Story goes that a wealthy miser bargained with God to let him take some of his wealth with him. After much begging God told him he was allowed one suitcase full. So the man filled the suit case with gold bullion. when he got to the pearly gates St Peter saw the suitcase and said "You can't take that in." Man informed him af the agreement with God. Peter asks to see inside, when the case is opened St. Peter exclaims,






























"[b:7e337c5e33]PAVEMENT????[/b:7e337c5e33]".

 

[Mike (WA)]

Roy Rogers was sure proud of his new boots- from the gleaming silver toe tips to the alligator uppers, they were just what he had always wanted. So he was infuriated when, on a ride out in the hills, a cougar apparently was irritated by the glint off the boots and attacked him. Roy wasn't injured, but the cougar ripped the new boots to shreds. Roy went home, put on his old boots and grabbed his rifle, told Dale Evans the story and headed out to bag him a cougar.

A few hours later he rode triumphantly back to the ranch, with the dead cougar draped over the saddle. Dale came out on the porch, and in her lovely soprano voice, sang, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed ya' new shoes?"