O/TMother Decision

[tom toney]

Just looking for support. Mother's birthday is tomorrow. Will be 87. Since May had been staying with me. On 6-16-09 started falling constantly. The next morning could not get out of bed. Set her up, screamed. Took to ER and had crushed a vertbra in her back.
Hospital for three days then to nursing home for
rehab for 100 days. Have to make decision on if will bring home after that or leave in home permanently.
Dr. says needs to stay where she can get care 24/7. So think decision to leave her there is for the best. But how to tell her. Have been trying to talk to her about it but get upset.
Any suggestions on how to tell her.
Thanks, Tom

 

[Kevin Singleton]

I'm facing this situation, I'm afraid, sooner than I'd like.

The only way to tell her is straight-forward and honest. Don't sugarcoat it. Think about the approach you'd appreciate, and use that.

It's not going to be easy, and it shouldn't be.

Best of luck, to you.
My 8N

 

[5NSlezWI]

Remember that there's 2 perspectives to deal with: hers & yours.

She has to understand if it's in her own best interest and for the betterment of her health. After my mom had a stroke, she realized that none of us could give her the care she needed. It's not easy seeing your parent in a home, but you've got to be a little selfish and understand the commitment and toll it can take on you too. You can visit often which gives her something to look forward to also.

Difficult decision but everyone's scenario is different. Best of luck with it!

 

[Dunk]

Very, very, very hard stuff to deal with......

When my Ole Lady's Mom started having strokes we brought her here and took care of her as long as we could, but it got to be more than could be done for her here.

The Ole Lady and her sisters now have her in a nursing home about 10 mi. from us, and the Ole Lady goes and feeds her lunch nearly every day.

 

[fatdaddy]

Just went through that with my 93 year old mother inlaw.She used up her 100 days and we had to put her in a semi private room.I think they understand down deep,but it doesn't make it any easier.She would beg to come home with us,but she needed around the clock care. Heart Breaking

 

[Dean]

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Tom. You are facing one of lifes most difficult tasks. I wish that there was something that I could say to make your task easier but, unfortunately, there really is not.

A different perspective: Be thankful that you have had your Mother as long as you have. Many folks are not so furtunate.

I lost my 93 year old Mother (WWII Veteran) on May 16, Armed Forces Day. We were fortunate in that, after her final illness, which was expected, she spent only a few days in a nursing home before passing.

For better or worse, in today's society, nursing homes are a fact of life for many elderly folks.

Dean

 

[don t-9n180179]

The only thing I can add w/o repeating the others,
if you decide that a home is whats best, expect to be called ingrateful, uncaring, etc, or atleast thats what my ma said my grandma told her. Grandma never quit hating my ma for not caring for her til the day she died. Grandma had a stroke, was totally paralized on the left side. My ma and dad cared for her for almost 2 years, but with 3 kids, a full time jobs, its was just to much to handle.

Good luck to you and your family.

 

[rlpintx]

Hard choice. The question is can you provide the care 24/7? If not the only fair think to everyone is the NH. You can take her out tomorrow do the normal birthday stuff and see if she likes the place shes at. If not shop around not all NH are the same. Some have more active residents....more social activites..playing cards etc...are some of her friends in one of the local NHs or doing any relatives work at them.

 

[Anonymous-0]

You might wait on making a decision about your MOM's needing a long term care home at this time. I would wait as it gets closer to the 100 days. Some folks really get along well with re-hab. However, the SPIRIT needs to be kept positive for your MOM's recovery.

So, wait a while to see how things come along. Meantime, give MOM all the support your can while she is in rehab.

It is enevitable, though as time passes, we all have to look forward to such decisions for OURSELVES. John,PA

 

[Windy]

Nice ride, Kevin! Are those car/trailer tires on front? I like their width.
Windy
ps: Prayers to all who face hard help Mom/Dad health decisions.

 

[hunting4282]

Its a tough decision to make for sure. My prayers are with you to make a decsion that is best for all. However, I want to make one comment. If you do decide to have your mother stay at a long term care facililty, do not forget to visit her often. You see, I am a WWII history buff and a number of years ago, I set a goal to visit as many WWII veterans in long term care facilities as I could, listen to thier stories and get thoer autographs. I met some very fastinating people, both men and women, and heard some purely amazing stories. I befriended a couple of these folks, however I really hit it off with a former combat enigneer who served in Burma. Long story short, after a little over a year of visiting him every week, his health began to fail. Then, at his funeral, all 9 of his children gave me a hug and thanked me for visting him becasue they didn't have the time, and that he remembered me even though he had forgotten who they were. Please everyone, if possible, don't let your parents forget who you are.

 

[BillGA]

Wow. This brings back memories. I don't know if this is typical, but after my father died, my mother lived alone in the family home. I lived in another state and while my sister lived closer and visited frequently, she still lived too far from mom to be able to supervise her. It turned out that mom was not able to take care of herself as well as we thought she could. Her health gradually deteriorated until she had to be hospitalized. Even after she stabilized and was getting ready to be discharged from the hospital, she still needed daily medical attention. My sister and I had long, painful discussions of the wisdom of transferring her to long term care rather than her home. Because of serious health problems in our individual families, neither of us were in a position to manage her care ourselves. We agonized over the guilt but finally discussed the choices with her. It turned out that she had realized that she couldn't manage on her own, was very worried about going home, didn't want to be a "burden" and thought living in a nursing home was a great idea. She settled in quickly and made friends with the other residents. Soon she was bringing them coffee and treats and pushing wheel chairs around the nursing home. She looked happier and healthier than she had in years. Although the medical attention played a role, I really think her improvement as a direct result of her positive attitude and feeling needed again. She's gone now, but I'm sure that her decision to go to the nursing home extended her life by at least five years and improved its quality immeasureably. Certainly not for everyone, but at least it was a great choice for her.

 

[gahorN]

The DOCTOR should tell her... in YOUR presence....that he wants her to live where she has 24/7 care. If you bring HER into the decision-making process it will be a lot easier. (Just my hopefully helpful suggestion.)