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Those Old-Timer Sayings

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Anonymous-0

Well-known Member
I think you guys know what I mean. Those sayings to compare something. For example: "Lazier than a toad at noon" or "Slower than molasses in January" or "Duller than a date with your own sister" "Bled like a stuck pig" "Dumber than a bag of hammers" I know there's tons of em out there, and I find them very amusing. Have at it. (oh, and no offense meant by the term "old-timer")
 
Worse than a bull in a china closet. Worse than a monkey in a smoke house knocking down the hams. Happier than a monkey with a blow gun. Tougher than a bag of hammers. Meaner than a rattlesnake with a head on each end. Longer than a H**rs dream!! Got to go for know.
 
I've actually seen a stuck hog bleeding! Wow, do they ever bleed. My favorites are "dumber than a sack of hammers" and "busier than a one-armed mountain climber with jock itch."
 
He was born stupid and had a relapse.
He was one pony shy of having a Merry-go-round.
If you want to know how stupid you can get, he is a good example.
He was so drunk he didn't know whether he was afoot or horseback.
He was all lit up like Uncle Tipsy on Christmas.
The neighbors didn't realize he drank, until he came home sober one night - the dog didn't recognize him and bit him.
He is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The porch lights are on, but nobody is home.
If you told him good morning he would be stumped for an answer.
 
Dumber than a stump, ugly as a mud fence, colder than a mother in laws kiss, common as cat cr*p, colder than a wh*res heart.
 
You could destroy an anvil in a padded cell.
Hotter than a popcorn fart in the middle of July.
Horse feathers.
 
Hey there
I used to work with this"good ol boy"
(about 30 yrs. ago) he had some.
busier than a little bulls tail
at fly time, spinning like the
button on the shi*house door,
looser than a gooses a**hole,
etc. etc.etc. Bob
God Bless
 
Hornier than a two-peckered owl.
So bucktoothed you could eat corn on a cob through a picket fence.
Not the brightest light bulb in the pack.
 
How about when something "is the best thing since sliced bread"? My question is, What was the best thing before sliced bread?
 
Sometimes it's better to be lucky than good.

Discretion is the batter part of valor.

In God we trust, all else bring data. (Said by a long-time test engineer).
 
Hey there
just remembered a few more.
busier than a cat covering
crap on a marble floor,softer
than a babys butt,smarter an
a whip,howling like an ol hound
dog,setting on his ba**s an too
lazy ta move. Bob
God Bless
 
What?? No one remembers "raining pitchforks and hammer handles" (Mid-west/Chicago)...from the southwest there"s the slightly newer "He"s not overloaded with common sense"..
 
1. Shes so ugly that she looks worse then 10 miles of bad road.

2. Hes going so slow that if he was going any slower then he would be going in reverse.

3. She can suc* the chrome off a trailer hitch.

4. She can suc* golf balls through a tennis racket.

5. (when changing a tire) It is only flat on the bottom.



6.
 
She's so ugly she has sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.

Strike while the iron is hot. (My grandmother's favorite)

Happier than two peas in a pod.
 
Well, for When things get difficult.
Its about like trying to shove butter up a wild cats a$$ with a hot poker.
 
Oh yeah, one time I heard Allan in NE describe fixing a Ford SOS trans as: "Like trying to put socks on a rooster." I like that one.
 
Or did you want something more along the line of rain before seven ends by eleven,or mud in the oats,dust in the wheat and the bins will overflow?
 
Colder than a witches t!t

So ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road.

I'm such a bad salesman, I couldn't sell the devil a glass of ice water.
 
----dumber than a fencepost

----not the sharpest pencil in the box

----not the oldest owl in the tree

----so ugly it would make a freight train take a
dirt road

----so ugly it would make a charging rhino
reverse direction
 
Nervous- Couldn't drive a needle up his a_s with a sledge hammer
Worthless- Useless as teats on a boar hog
Long-legged - Could stand flat footed and crap in a dump truck
Clueless - Don't know sheep shut from shinola
Wishful thinking - spit in one hand, wish in the other, end up with spit in your hand
Blind in one eye, can't see out of the other
Drunker 'n a waltzing pis ant
Diarrhea - shut through a screen door, never hit a wire
Worse Diarrhea - shut through a cheese cloth
Cold - colder'n a witches teat in a brass bra
Colder - colder 'n a well diggers a_s in Montana

Got lots more, better quit now
 
pit in on hand and "I want" in the other and see which one gets filled first.



Whatever hits the fan, will not be evenly distributed.
 
He's such a good salesman he could sell ice to a Eskimo. -- It's as tight as skin on a frog. I liked the one about trying to put socks on a rooster. I needed a good laugh today. Stan
 
thought of a few more
Finer than a frog's hair split three ways

Slicker than snot

Thats no hill for a stepper
 
Guess it's not a "saying", but I knew an ol' gal one time that was such a bad cook that ya prayed AFTER ya ate.

Asked her one time if she was absolutely sure that the eggs were supposed to glow in the dark. :>)

Gotta say tho, that she had a pair of legs that ran all the way into the middle of next week. :>)

Allan
 
Couldn't hit a bull in the butt, with a bass fiddle.

He is tighter than bark on a tree.

Dad always told me that giving me money was like sticking up a wild hogs a$$ a hollering sueeeee!
 
A few fries short of a happy meal

pot callin the kettle black

aint the brightest bear in the woods

smokin like a chimney
 
Dumber than a box of rocks, He could tear up an anvil with a feather duster, It was so dry the trees were whistling for the dogs. Colder than a brass monkey's b*lls. Drunker than a skunk. All up in your papers. Slower than dead lice falling off. Gag a maggot off a gut wagon.
 
Couldn't pour p-ss out of a boot if the directions were written on the heel
Hotter'n a Fresh F Fox inna Forest Fire
Couldn't drive a wheelbarrow w/ power streering
Whaddyea know about milking ducks inna hurricane?
ANS>>> Use a round stool and stand 'em on their haid..
Could tear up a steel ball inna rubber room.
 
We were so poor we had to go out in the yard and bark like a dog so the neighbors would think we had one.Had to walk to school 5 miles every day up hill both ways.
 
We had a co-worker that had an annoying eye twitch, both eyes, for years. Drove us all crazy.

An old timer finally said to him " J...Christ, will ya knock it off ? You're blinking worse than a toad in a hailstorm !"
 
So ugly she would stop an eight day clock

He was so poor he was like the snake that didn"t have a pit to hiss in.

He is worse than some peoples kids

We would excuse a pig -- a hog would know better
 
My dad used to tell me: "You could tear up an anvil in a sand pile."

I was so confused in college my room mate said I didn't know whether to sh*t or go blind.

My uncle once told me I didn't know big wood from brush.

My co-workers think that I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

I once told my boss he was about a sharp as a marble. (he never did figure that out)

One of my favorites is "This ain't my first rodeo"
 
Wow!!! I'm late to this party, Some really good old ones and a few "I aint herd"

Dumb? "A few bricks short of a full load"
or he is not the sharpest tool in the shed...

Tight wad? "Tighter n two coats a paint"
Knew a man so tight he had the first dollar he ever earned, and the man's arm clear up to the elbow who gave it to him!
 
Tighter than a nats a$$ strechted over a rain barrel

He could sell a horse with bad legs pantyhose.

Can't remember the rest of them but they all are good.
Vito
 
some i've heard

he's windy as a sack of a$$holes

that's handy as a pocket on a shirt

he's so tight, you couldn't pull a needle out of his a$$ with a tractor
 
Dumb... He must have fallen off the turnip truck last night.

In defense of being thought dumb... I might have driven the turnip truck in last night but i didnt fall off of it.

Diarreah *sp... Hes got the green apple splatters
Could shut thru a screen door and not leave a stain.
 
1 Even a blind hog finds an acorn once in a while.
2 When my ship comes in, I'll be waiting at the bus station.
3 She is a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.
4 I'll beat you like a redheaded step-child.
5 That tractor won't pull the hat off of your head.
6 If his brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose.
7 That truck is so worthless, if you peed in front of the tire, it would be stuck.
8 I've seen rocks smarter than he is.
9 Steady by jerks like a frog swims.
10 I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention.
11 If I won a million dollars, I'd just keep on farming till it was gone.
 
I heard Elvis use No. 3 to describe what one of his backup singers did for him before a concert, and by the looks of her and the way she smiled, I"m guessing that she tried.

That knife"s so dull it won"t cut hot butter.
 
I say this one about my father in law- He's so miserable if you handed him a gold brick he'd complain it's too heavy And he's so selfish he wouldn't light your pipe if your house was on fire.

And my personal favorite- Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.
 
That engine shakes like a whor* in church.

Looks like she got farted through a keg of nails.

Tighter that a nun's cun*

Drunker than a shepherd on payday

She has legs all the way to the lunch-box.

I wouldn't pis$ on him if he were on fire.

Looks like her face caught fire and got beat out with a rake.

The guy is so cheap he jacks off the dog to feed the cat.
 
Nummer than a pounded thumb.
Nummer than a box of rocks.
A few cans shy of a 6 pack.
A sandwich short of a picnic
So hot you could fry an egg on the sidewalk.
Hot enough to make the devil sigh
Hotter than the hinges of hell.
Could sell camels to the Egyptians
Sharper than a box of razor blades or knives
So cold you had to put a blanket over the stove to keep it warm
Faster then greased lightening
pinch a penny so tight that abe lincoln screams for mercy.
(Bill Clinton) didn"t know where he came from or where he was going.
so ugly that he must have been beat with an ugly stick.
blinder than a bat.
 
So Skinny - Had to stand twice in the same place to make a shadow.

Not mechanically inclined - Give him a crowbar at 9.00 am, and he'll have it bent by 9.15
 
The Naval version of this is "Don"t sweat the petty things, pet the swetty things." Us sailors had our priorities...
 
My dad taught me about the birds n the bees.

"How you got here? A bird sh*t you out on a fencepost and the sun hatched ya, we just brought ya in before the rains came!"
 
My brother and I were working on a snowmobile, I was little, it was dark and cold, I was holding the flashlight. I was shivering and shaking bad.

"Geez boy! You shake like a dog sh*ttin' razorblades!"
 
Someone who can't make a decision....
Either $h!t or get off the pot!

Someone who moves too slow....
Don't care if you lead or follow, just get the he// out of the way....
 
I"ll add a couple more here...I can think of several more I probably shouldn"t post in this forum:

Smaller than a teeny weeny fly"s teeny weeny

Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey

Has the intellect of a door knob

That dog don"t hunt (meaning a plan won"t work)
 
--Handier than hip pockets on a kangaroo
--Colder than Willy the well diggers butt
--His elevator don"t go all the way to the top
floor
--Busy as a one armed paper hanger
--If a frog had wings he wouldn"t bump his
a$$ every time he jumped
--Are you a smart feller or a fart smeller?
--He"s smart as a rock
--An update of an old one for people nowdays that are just so blame stupid......You can lead the horse to water but you can"t keep him from drowning
 
This is my own: As nervous as my wife in a room full of mouse traps. She can't stand to be around them, and forget about her setting one. Stan
 
For someone that can hear well:
He can hear a nat pee on cotton.

Someone that you didnt want to answer:
I was talking to the other end of the horse.

For the "extended truth teller":
Youre talking out your a** because your mouth knows better.

One that I dont think I saw on here yet but I got frequently when I was younger:
If you dont knock it off Im gonna take you behind the woodshed.
 
Here's a couple more i use from time to time that i havent seen yet.
1 About as bright as a 5 watt light bulb.
2 about as bright as a bus load of county agents.
3 ain't got enough brains to come in out of the rain.
 
One that I have used on occasion, "Were you born stupid, or did you have to take a course??"

One that my Dad often used, "If the dog hadn't stopped to cr@p, he would have caught the fox."

One I heard a lot when we were picking rocks, "A Chinaman has hold of the other end of that one." Said of a really big boulder or solid ledge.

"I don't want to mow that field, there are too many wild grindstones in it."
 
A former co-worker used "Thats her the Dutchman said when he found his bull". Used when things finally worked.
 
Had a friend who quit a job with a tractor company---- "Before I would work there again I would build a wooden beak and peck S*** with the chickens".
 
From Gunsmoke pretty girl "Handsome looking she male"
Use your head for something other than to hold your ears apart
Us your head for something besides a hat rack
If you magnified your brain 8000 times and put it on the edge of a razor blade it would look like a bebee rolling down an 8 lane highway.
To a big person "You are so big if you jumped up in the sky you would get stuck"
Heard a boy tell a girl she had kind hair, thinking this was a compliment she said thank you and then asked him what it was to mean and he replyed " The kind that grows on a goats butt.
 
flat out like a lizard drinking
dryer than a nuns c##t
as hard as the hobbs of hell
sh/t through the eye of a needle at 40 paces
cunning as a sh/thouse rat
common as a two bit wh*re
up and down like a wh*res drawers
as dumb as dog sh/t
 
He would lie when the truth would fit better.
Hard work never hurt him, because he never done any.
He isn't afraid of hard work - he can lie down beside it and go to sleep.
Easy as falling off a log and not half as dangerous.
 
My Dad would tell me:
You're as handy as a screen door on a submarine.

You're as handy as a castor on a crutch.

Gosh I miss him.
 
Hotter'n Dutch love at hayin' time.
Hotter'n a depot stove.
Slower'n a fat boy on a bicycle.
Clumsier'n a pig on ice.
Timid as a cow at a new gate.
Dad to me, as I was being much to particular in placing shingles on the barn: "Step it up, son, you ain't buildin' a piano".
About a slow worker: He started slow, then tapered off.
Universal name for a small mechanical part or connector that you don't know the real name of: "Hand me that little doovissary right there".
 
Three of my favorites: 'If Bulls**t was brass he'd have his own band', 'Goin' downhill faster than a fat man on roller-skates' and 'He's so tight (cheap) he squeaks when he walks'.
 

If his mouth is movin,he'e lie'en........Or To tighten something, Bring'er down tight and giver three full turns.......Jim in N M
 
A fat person: If you was told to haul as* you would have to make two trips. Its a cinch. Like taking candy from a baby. When it rains it pours. Started at the bottom and went down hill. So low you have to look up to see bottom.
 
Empty what is full!
Fill what is empty!
If it doesn’t move and should, use WD40!
If it does move and it shouldn’t use Duct Tape!
Duct tape is temporary unless it works!
 
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